Components of Motivation

This is the first of two posts on the Components of Motivation.

There are various definitions for the term motivation. But here, we are talking about the motivation to succeed. I can almost guarantee that if someone did the following three things I will discuss in the following two articles I post, he/she would be successful in whatever goal he/she wants to achieve. If I were to give any free advice in life it would be that “understanding motivation is the key to success”.

There are three major components to motivation: activation, persistence and intensity.

Here we look at Activation and Persistence

Activation involves the decision to initiate a behaviour, such as enrolling in a psychology class or driving to the gym.

Woody Allen once said “80% of success is showing up”. You might not agree with this initially, but just have a think for a minute. If you have ever been a gym goer you might get this. Sometimes thinking of that initial physical movement where you have to get off the couch and into the car can at times be more strenuous and stress provoking then the actual tough exercise you do when at the gym. You just gotta get there; everything will be fine and even enjoyable once you get into it. If that doesn’t make sense, think of going to work on a Monday. Life doesn’t seem worth living Sunday night, but come 10am Monday morning your right back in the swing of things and even joking and catching up with workmates. Just get to work in the first place and you can sort those negative feelings out later.

Following that we have persistence.

Persistence is the continued effort toward a goal even though obstacles may exist. It requires a significant investment of time, energy and resources.

In a moment when you feel really motivated (e.g. watching a YouTube video with impressive feats and awesome background music) you feel like you can take on the world. You really just want to get into things, start your blog or start your workout programme or whatever. However, this initial feeling probably won’t last more than 24hrs. That’s why the second component of motivation is so important. Persistence means that you need to keep working just as hard after those initial butterfly feelings dilute. You need to go to the gym again tomorrow and the next day, next week, next month and all year. Persistence then is about continuing down the path of success when things get stale, get boring, get uncomfortable, get hard, or there is a difficult obstacle to overcome.

Really persistence comes down to how bad you want to be successful. If you want something bad enough, then you will do anything to get it. I wanted a first in my Psychology masters. In order to do so I had to spend a year basically being a recluse. I rarely went out, rarely made phone calls and didn’t take any holidays. Almost every minute I had, I dedicated to study. I wanted a first, I was

persistent and I got it. It was really hard, but worth every single minute of work. Funnily enough when you’re on that sort of a buzz, that persistence buzz, in a sick kind of a way you start to enjoy it. Seeing the results roll in, feeling yourself becoming more intelligent and beating people in your class in exams/essays (really, really intelligent people; one girl had eidetic memory (photographic memory) and others received top academic scholarships). But my marks were always higher than theirs because I was dedicated/persistent.

But there are levels of persistence. It all comes down to how bad someone wants to be successful in their chosen goal. Eric Thompson (motivational speaker) spoke of Beyonce being on set once; three days had gone by and she didn’t realise she hadn’t eaten. She was so focused and so persistent in achieving her goal, that eating just wasn’t relevant. Eric Thompson is a guy that really got me to understand the concept of persistence. I remember watching a video on YouTube (link at the bottom) where he got a school class to try to imagine the air running out of their lungs as they struggled to surface above water. After a vivid description of what this painful feeling is like, he tells the class; “when all you want to do is be successful as bad as you want to breathe, then you’ll be successful. I’m here to tell you that no.1 most of you say you want to be successful, but you don’t want it bad, you just kinda want it. You don’t want it badder than you want to party, you don’t want it as bad as you want to be cool, most of you don’t want success as much as you want to sleep. Some of you love sleep more than you love success, and I’m here to tell you today if you’re going to be successful you gotta be willing to give up sleep. You gotta be willing to work off of three hours of sleep two hours… Some days, if you really want to be successful, you’re going to have to stay up three days in a row; because if you go to sleep you might miss the opportunity to be successful. That’s how bad you gotta want it.”

Eric Thompson acknowledges the fact that this is hard work. “Most of you won’t be successful because when you’re studying and you get tired, you quit. On all roads to success you have to go through pain. If it was easy, everybody would do it. Everyone would be a millionaire. But there is one thing I can guarantee you, if you can be persistent, if you can outlast that pain and outlast that discomfort. On the other side of it is success.

As the American Footballer Emitt Smith once said: “All men are created equal, but some work harder in preseason.”

In the next post we will talk about the final component (intensity). Intensity separates those who are good and those who are great.

Breaking the Ice, approaching and talking to Girls and Guys

Jeremy Nicholson who calls himself the “Attraction Doctor” wrote an interesting article a couple of years ago regarding, approaching and talking to people you find attractive. These are essentially persuasion techniques that can be used in the dating game.

Social and Personality Psychologist Jeremy Nicholson suggests that approaching someone is difficult because you are often opening yourself up for evaluation. Essentially, you’re saying "I like you"...and asking "do you like me"? This gives the other person all of the "power" and "influence" in the situation. They are in a position to "take you" or "leave you", without you having much more say in the matter.

Considering this, it is no wonder breaking the ice and making the first move is so hard. Who would knowingly want to put themselves in a position of vulnerability? That is the reason why many women prefer to be "attractive" and try to motivate the man to approach them. It is also the reason why many men refuse to do so.

Fortunately, there are other ways to approach and start a conversation without feeling vulnerable opening yourself up to evaluation. In fact, sometimes these techniques are even more persuasive than the "direct approach".

1) Make a Statement (Probably the best for approaching someone you haven’t met before).

This is simply saying something to the other person or about the general situation, without desiring a response from them at all. It is just you expressing your opinion (but keep it positive).

Simple examples..…."I love the coffee here"! "It is a great day today". These are pretty lame conversation starters, but said with confidence and a slight smile, carry a lot of weight. And if the other person is at all interested, he or she will continue the conversation with another statement and if you’ve done it well- a smile (then you’re golden!). If they are not interested and say nothing, no worries because you haven’t risked anything- no vulnerability. You were just being a nice guy or girl. You have simply made a statement.

2) Evaluation (better for approaching someone you kind of know)

Most approaches go wrong because the person is trying to impress. They are trying to "earn" the other individual's interest or attraction. Essentially, they are opening themselves up to "being judged"...rather than evaluating or screening the other person.

So, rather than letting them evaluate you, evaluating them instead! Ask them something that will qualify them as a partner and see whether they pass. For example, ask them how they take their coffee (and tease them if it is gross). Ask them why they are shopping on a Sunday afternoon. Ask them if they can make an omelette. Ask them what music they like. Just keep it somewhat fun, flirty, and a bit evaluative of THEM. You're NOT asking what they think of YOU in any way.

It puts them out there to impress you while you get to judge them and essentially gives you all the power (which is attractive). But be careful, don’t question them on the materialistic stuff (like their clothes, car or watch), that’s stuff that can be compared quite quickly and obviously to your wealth and can put them back in the power seat if they are loaded (a bit plastic but sadly true) or it can make them feel a little unsettled if you are better off. So keep it more personal. Also some people do question others to excess (you know those types..). So, when someone answers your question, give them a little back in return!

3) Ask a Favour (better for approaching someone you sort of know).

Rather than putting yourself out there for a vulnerable evaluation, get the other person to invest a little first. Ask them to do something for you. Make a request. This could even be something small like, "could you grab me a straw"? Or, "could you watch my stuff for a minute while I get a coffee"? Frankly, any small request will do the trick.

This psychological technique of persuasion known as the Ben Franklin Effect, it is the phenomenon where people like others more when they do a favour for them (Jecker & Landry, 1969). That is, when the OTHER PERSON does a favour for you, THEY like you more. So, forget about buying them the drink as an opener...and ask for one instead!

Conclusion

It is possible to get to know someone else, without throwing yourself at their mercy. In fact, the approaches above demonstrate you are strong, confident, attractive...and not in need of their judgment or validation. So, rather than believing some stranger is "great" and you need to "earn" them, use one or more of the techniques above. The basic idea is to keep your "footing" of power, and have a better shot at getting a date!

Love Sick or Limerence?

It seems that “Love sick” is a genuine psychological condition. “Limerence” – some psychologists call "Affection Deficit Disorder" is closer to obsessive-compulsive disorder and addiction than puppy love. Left untreated it is agonizing, even fatal and few treat it because few take it seriously.

Albert Wakin, Professor of Psychology at Sacred Heart University at Fairfield, Connecticut notes that that individuals diagnosed as limerent think about the object of their love up to 98% of the time. A very constant type of love sick. The addictive part of limerence is very powerful because it is an addiction to a person, not a substance.

How it works

Typically, the beginning of a healthy/normal relationship is marked by the "honeymoon period," whereby both people have obsessive-compulsive-like thoughts about the other, and experience high intimacy and passion to tear each other’s cloths off. This honeymoon stage of a relationship is marked by feelings of intense euphoria and the release of our reward-activation neurotransmitters like dopamine (a pleasureable neurotransmitter), oxytocin (the "bonding" chemical released during sex), and elevated levels of the sex hormones testosterone and estrogen, all triggered by the sheer novelty of the relationship. So, if you have ever found yourself in a trance-like state whereby your person of interest is the only thing on your mind and you engage in 20-minute conversations with friends, but haven't heard a word they've said, there is scientific evidence to support that you are experiencing a normal stage of love.

Importantly then, in a healthy relationship, usually after around six to twenty-four months the aforementioned hormone levels and feelings of intense euphoria dissipate to a normal degree, which is actually beneficial for both your productivity and sanity. However, those who suffer from Limerence are permanently trapped in this stage of euphoria and it’s associated hormone level. As such, their cognitions and behaviours become obsessive and compulsive.

"In healthy relationships, these hormone levels go back to normal after roughly six to 24 months, but a person suffering from limerence is stuck in the infatuation stage," says Wakin.

Those afflicted with limerence basically never leave the honeymoon stage of their infatuation with someone, high on a “hormonal cocktail” of oxytocin, dopamine, and elevated levels of estrogen and testosterone. Never coming down from that high can cause heart palpitations, loss of sleep, and chest pains, not to mention the truly horrible feeling of loving someone who doesn’t love you back and not being able to get over them.

Wakin emphasizes that you don’t have to be in a relationship to experience it. Also, age and gender do not matter (although it tends to start around age 25 since adolescent and early adulthood experiences of love are hard to distinguish from limerence). Limerence is not about sex, although sexual relations will intensify the feelings. “Men are real suffers of it. Women are likely to tell friends and get support. Men feel that opening up about it is a sign of weakness,” Wakin says.

Although recovery research on this condition is relatively undeveloped, individuals can undergo a combination of medication and therapy to combat symptoms of Limerence. Those who are impacted can enter treatment involving cognitive behavioral therapy as well as take antidepressants, which inhibits the part of the brain that is responsible for obsessive thoughts.

In taking immediate action, if you believe you are suffering from limerence, minimize all contact. Wakin aims to enter the condition into the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, which is due for renewed publication in 2013. According to his estimation, 5 percent of the country's population suffers from limerence.

Is it a real condition?

However, the condition of Limerence is ripe with room for dialogue. First and foremost, is this an actual condition or are we merely giving people an excuse for letting their thoughts go into overdrive? I know I have felt lovesick before, but thinking about the other 98% of the time probably didn’t happen nor did I experience any of the other extreme symptoms Wakin talks about.

 Secondly, since some antidepressant medications have shown to work in inhibiting the obsessive thoughts, is Limerence actually an extension or unique sub-type of depression? Can disconnecting from the person of interest really eliminate these maladaptive symptoms?

Furthermore, it is imperative that individuals do not equate "infatuation" with "Limerence" as the two are distinct experiences and although euphoria may play a role in both, it is Limerence that leads to deleterious consequences, whereas more pleasant emotions are derived from "infatuation."